“We should really try that someday,” Kaya said.
“Wait, what?” I glanced over at my friend. The sun baked her shoulder-length black hair, causing it to glow a slight crimson. “That.” My friend pointed in the distance where a group of teens our age was boogie-boarding in the waves. Their laughter tingled in my ears, causing me to smile. “Yeah, that looks pretty fun. I’m pretty sure Ayana has some boogie boards we could borrow and use.” I thought of my other best friend who lived right across from this very beach. She had been busy lately with a badminton tournament, so I hadn’t seen her very much this Summer. “We’re going to be graduating high school in just two years,” Kaya said. “We need to do it before then.” I frowned and traced a line through the sand. Although I had slathered sunscreen all over my pale skin earlier today, my fingers were still tinged pink. Were we really that close to the finish line? It was hard to believe we were going to be juniors in a couple of weeks. Sophomore year, half of which was online thanks to COVID, had passed by so quickly and our freshman year had ended abruptly due to the pandemic. Did I really have only two more years to enjoy the company of all my classmates? Ayana’s smiles. Kaya’s determination. Lucia’s creativity. Isabelle’s confidence. “You okay, Summer?” Kaya peered at me, her brown eyes brimming with concern. I chuckled and shook the grainy sand off my fingers. “Yeah. I’m fine. Just feels like things are going too fast.” Kaya shifted closer to me, her body so close our shoulders almost touched. We had been best friends since elementary school. Would that still be the same even as we moved on? A cloud blocking the sun floated off and the light blinded me, so I looked away from my friend. A breeze flitted with my blonde hair, bringing along with it the briny scent of the ocean. Even the weather seemed to be moving onward. “I honestly can’t wait to get out of here,” Kaya said. “I mean, you know how things are with my sister. I love her, but sometimes it’s exhausting when she’s having another tantrum and none of us can help her. And my parents, they aren’t the warmest of people. They show their affection in different ways and I understand that, but…” “You want something else,” I finished for her. I kept my gaze on my feet submerged in the sand. “Definitely.” Kaya sighed. “Not sure if I’ll ever get it. I haven’t earned that much money to be living on my own.” “Kaya,” I said. My heart thrummed in my chest. “We should move forward together.” Kaya stared at me. Then her face broke into a grin. “Are you asking me out, Summer?” I must have looked disappointed because Kaya placed her hand on my wrist. “I think that’s very sweet,” she murmured. “So what do you say? Are we going to tackle the future together?” Kaya leaned her shoulder against mine. “I don’t know what will happen, but you’re right, it’ll be easier doing this if we’re not alone. But first, let’s go find some boogie boards!”
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Celio felt the grass sting his palm and breathed in the salty air of the sea grumbling in the distance. He cherished the thrumming of the waves, the shuffling of the wind, the dancing of his own heart. He couldn’t see it at all, but he could still enjoy the environment around him. That’s what many people didn’t understand. Sometimes, you don’t need eyes to enjoy something beautiful.
“Celio, I found a nice shell!” His little brother Horatio called a few feet to his left. Horatio’s voice was light as if it could drift with the breeze. Celio pushed himself off from the sandy grass and, with the help of his cane, made his way toward the sound of his brother’s voice. The grains of sand shifted underneath the metal stick and embraced his sneakers. He loved the way his feet sunk into the soft substance as if he were being transported to another world. When he reached Horatio, he knelt down and held his hand out for his brother to place the shell in his palm. The damp, curvy figure tickled his skin and he could feel the water dripping off his brother’s slimy hand. “The water feels cold! I don’t get how you can stay so long in the waves, Horatio.” Horatio laughed. “It was worth it to get this shell.” Celio fingered the sea’s gift, stroking each curve and feeling its smooth underbelly. “It’s fascinating. You should bring it home to show Mom and Dad.” “I think I will!” Celio smiled at the excitement in Horatio’s voice. He loved how enthusiastic his brother was about all the little things in life. Celio wanted to be that way, too. That’s why he visited natural environments and forced himself to focus on his senses. He liked being himself, he liked belonging. Celio let his brother take back the shell and he buried his hand in the sand. The dry and wet particles mingled together and shivered against his fingers. He wondered if the tiny insects that burrowed in the sand were being disrupted by his movement. A flicker of guilt flashed through him. Humans could be so destructive sometimes. His brother was now mumbling a Portuguese song their mother often sang, although a bit out of tune. Celio gently recovered his hand from the soil and swayed to his brother’s music, letting himself hum along. “I want to go to Portugal someday,” Horatio said. “It would be cool to actually visit our grandparents in their own home instead of through phone calls once a year.” “Yeah.” Celio brushed off sand that had floated onto his t-shirt. “That would be nice.” He wasn’t sure that would happen anytime soon. While his family wasn’t struggling at the moment financially, it wasn’t like they had that much money to just throw around. Celio wished he could go on vacations like his friend Pavel did with his family. “Hey, Celio,” Horatio said. His voice was tentative in a way that made Celio want to pause his whole body just so he could focus on listening to Horatio. “Do you think we will ever be able to travel?” Celio didn’t know what to say. He wanted to comfort his brother, but he didn’t want to lie. He plastered a smile onto his face. “You know, we can travel right now. Close your eyes.” He heard the sounds of Horatio fidgeting on the sand. “They’re closed,” Horatio announced. “Good,” Celio said. “Now, listening to what’s around you and keeping your eyes shut, what do you see?” A moment passed. Celio focused on the wind whistling by him and the laughter of a family playing in the waves. Along the boardwalk behind him, he could hear the thumps of footsteps and the scratching of bicycle wheels along wood. “I hear people having fun and walking around,” Horatio said slowly. “What else?” “The ocean, but Celio, this is nice and all, but it isn’t the same.” Celio sighed and ran his fingers through the sand, letting the dry particles slide off his skin. He could heard the disappointment in his brother’s voice, the sadness of feeling stuck. Celio had been so focused on observing his environment, he forgot to pay attention to his brother. “You’re right. To be honest, I don’t think we’ll be able to travel anytime soon.” “It stinks.” “It does.” Horatio groaned. “Vacations are probably overrated anyway. Maybe we’re the lucky ones since we get to stay here and really appreciate this place.” Celio grinned. He listened to the sound of his brother rubbing his hand along his seashell. “Yeah, that may be true.” There is beauty in these moments, Isabelle, my father once told me as we stood in the sand. The grainy particles dug into our feet and the summer sun seared our foreheads as we watched it float down into the waves. This is a gift from God, I had thought. My mind whirled with what my second grade CCD teacher told me last Spring. But now, almost nine years later, I stand on the icy boardwalk and stare at the snow-encrusted beach with only heaviness lingering in my brain.
Is tomorrow really Christmas? A tiny flake lands on my gloved fingertips clutching the boardwalk’s railings. Shivering, I turn to the left and blink water droplets out of my eyes. The wind flattens my dark blue mask against my cheek and I take a shaky breath that fills the slim gap between my mouth and the cotton with warm air. I glare up at the pink-tinged sky. Everything had seemed so accessible back then. I used to think of the atmosphere as where God lay resting among the clouds and stars. As if all I needed to do to reach heaven was to stand on my tiptoes and grasp onto a shooting star with my bare six-year-old hands. At sixteen, that seems impossible. When was the last time I even went to a service? To a mass? We had left the Catholic church back when I was in fifth grade and hadn’t looked back since. Our new church had been much more welcoming and I had loved the people I had met there. It’s just that…it’s getting so much harder to believe. I love sunsets. The clouds are splotches of paint that splatter across the canvas of the sky. A memory trickles into my senses. My best friend Avani and I had been walking home from school last Fall. I had stayed late helping organize a food drive while Avani had play practice. By the time we had left the high school, the sky was almost completely dark. Only the barest sliver of purple lined the horizon. I’ve always thought of sunsets as more organized, I had said in reply to Avani. The colors are layered and the sun always sinks down. There’s an order to it all. Avani had shaken her head. That’s where you’re wrong, dear friend. I had spent the rest of the night thinking about Avani’s words. Even ignoring the aesthetics of sunsets, the scientific reasons for the phenomenon still expressed a sequence of events, not a random splashing of paint. But now, I realize, maybe there is truth to my friend’s claim. There is beauty in these moments, my father had said. A gift, I had thought. There is, meaning it exists. Beauty just exists. That gift exists. No structure required. I peer up at the colorful sky. With a smile, I let go of the railing. Twilight blanketed the Summer trees and little wisps of wind crackled against branches. My sneakers sunk into the moist soil and I clenched my phone in my hand. My gaze swept the forest clearing. Where was the cauldron?
Of course, the moment I went looking for that mysterious object was when it was nowhere to be found. I grimaced. I could see the trees, the dirt, the sky, but not the cauldron my siblings and I had found two years ago. I need it. Days have been so hard lately. I flopped onto the ground and traced the silt with my finger. The grime clung to the little canyons running through my skin and cooled my tingling extremities. “Mystery?” I jerked upright. My older sibling Anonymous stood at the edge of the clearing. I hadn’t even heard Anonymous’ footsteps. “Pronouns?” I asked. “She/her.” She peered at me, her eyebrows furrowed. “You just ran out from dinner. Wanna talk about that?” I hugged my knees to my chest. The last thing I wanted was to talk about my feelings with my seventeen-year-old sibling. She’s going to judge me like she always does. I glared at an ant crawling over my bright blue sneaker. “Sixth grade is going to be starting for you in a week, Mystery,” Anonymous stated. “If you can’t even talk to me, how are you going to handle all the new people at middle school?” I shoved my glasses farther up the ridge of my nose. “It’s none of your business.” “Make it mine so I can help you.” The ant had left my foot and was now trekking towards the side of the clearing opposite of my sibling. Being an ant would make my life so easy. All I would care about is finding food and shelter. Not caring whether or not people like me or if I can fit in… “How’d you know I’d be here?” I spoke to distract myself from my circling thoughts. “I can read minds.” I frowned. “You can?” “No, silly! I followed you. Our parents aren’t going to let you go off on your own like that. You’re eleven. Remember how much they freaked out when Soo did that?” I winced. It had been my fault Soo ran away. Soo struggled with anxiety and obsessive-compulsive behavior and I, jealous of all the attention she got from our parents, had stolen her bracelet. Anonymous and I had found her that night in this exact clearing. That was also when we had discovered the cauldron. Which isn’t here right now. I dragged my finger across the soil leaving dents in the earth. I shoved away the queasiness seeping into my body as sludge wriggled underneath my nails. “I want to be alone.” “If you come home, then I’ll leave you alone in your room, but I’m not going to let you sit here in the forest by yourself. It’s getting dark. What if a coyote eats you?” Anonymous plopped onto the ground beside me, causing the silt to tremble beneath my hand. I stared at my sibling. Was she really going to sit here with me? I sighed. “I’m just going to bore you.” Anonymous chuckled. “That’s true. You’re a very boring person.” “Am not!” “You just said that you are.” A smile flickered onto my lips and I peered up at the dusky orange sky swirling above us. “I’ll probably bore all my classmates.” “You’ll bore them by talking about how boring you are.” I shook the dirt from my fingers and nails. “Do you really not mind sitting here with me?” Anonymous was silent for a moment before meeting my gaze. Her dark brown eyes flickered with concern. “Hey, you’re my brother, and fine, you’re a bit boring and weird sometimes, but as your eldest sibling, I have to look out for you.” I sighed. “I came out here because I wanted to see that cauldron again. It seemed to make everything better last time with Soo.” Anonymous shrugged. “Nah, the cauldron just gave us some yummy soup. You apologizing and us going to find her was what helped.” “You really think so?” My sibling nodded. “Yeah, I do.” I scanned the clearing one last time, taking in the dark green bushes and the deep brown tree trunks. The chirping of crickets comforted my ears and the breeze seemed to carry a fresh aroma that wrapped around my body. I didn’t need the cauldron again. Anonymous was right, I did belong here. I returned my attention back to my sibling. “I’m ready to go back.” |
AuthorI'm Darcy Ridge, creating stories that all revolve around family and identity in a myriad of ways. In the past, I have shared multiple stories and published a novella online. You can find me on Wattpad and many other social media websites. They/them [Image Description: black background with the words "Social Justice and Mental Health Resources" in white in the center /end ID]
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